The Christmas Caper

a comedy in two acts

by Drew Davis

THE POLICE ARRIVE

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DONNA

(Whips around with gun ready)

Hold it right there!

MYRA

Yahhh!  Don’t shoot, don’t shoot!

(To her knees, begging)

Please, have mercy.  I’m a poor woman, I have nothing.  Here, take my watch, but spare my life.

DONNA

I don’t want your watch, lady. I’m…

MYRA

Oh, no, I insist.  It’s all I have of value.  I left my purse in the car…No; at my office…I walked here.  Yes, I walked here…from my office.  I have no money, none at all.

DONNA

I don’t want your money either.  I’m with…

MYRA

You don’t want my money?

DONNA

No

MYRA

Or credit cards?

DONNA

No.

MYRA

Or jewelry?

DONNA

Look, lady…

MYRA

(Still on knees, turns and takes prayer position, almost blubbering)

Get it over with.  Just please, make it quick…and not too messy.  They have to identify the body.

DONNA

(Pulls out badge)

Lady, will you just…

MYRA

No, don’t ask me to beg.  Myra Grommett never begs.  My pleas go to a higher court than you…you desperado!

DONNA

LADY, LOOK!

MYRA

Don’t toy with me.  Just get it over wi…Police?  You…you’re police?

DONNA

Yes, ma’am.

MYRA

(Rises)

You scared me half to death.  Why didn’t you tell me before now?

DONNA

You didn’t give me much of a chance, ma’am.

MYRA

That’s what happens when some people get a taste of authority.  Nothing but abuse.  I should report you to your superiors.  I think I will.  What’s your badge number, officer?

DONNA

Detective, ma’am.  Detective Donna Wright.  Badge number 714.

MYRA

You don’t look like a detective. I’ve seen bums on the street dressed better than you

DONNA

I’m on a case.

MYRA

Ohhh!  Undercover, huh?

DONNA

Yes, ma’am.

MYRA

I bet that’s exciting!  What are you after?  Drug pushers, pimps?  Ohhh!  Murderers?

(Has frightened herself and starts to exit)

Oh, no.  I’ve stumbled onto a den of iniquity!  I won’t get in your way anymore, detective.  I’ll just head back the way I came.  You won’t have to worry, your secret’s safe with me…

DONNA

Wait, Ms. Grommett.

MYRA

You know my name?  It’s me you’re after, isn’t it?  Whatever it is, I didn’t do it.  I want my lawyer.  Read me my rights.

DONNA

Will you stop jumping to conclusions?

MYRA

Then…you’re not after me?

DONNA

Should I be?

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