The Christmas Caper

a comedy in two acts

by Drew Davis

SANTA OR A CROOK?

HIT THE BACK BUTTON ON YOUR BROWSER TO RETURN TO SCENES LIST

BOBBIE

You talk very pretty, mister, but you still haven’t got me convinced.  And if some of those words you’re throwing around don’t tell me why you’re here and what you want…

T J

We’re going to have to get rough with you!

CHRIS

You shouldn’t talk to Santa that way.

LOU

Yeah, don’t talk that way.

JERRY

Why, you little pansies?  Afraid you won’t get any Christmas presents this year?

T J

Like we really got good presents last year?

JERRY

And the year before that?

SANTA

You got a very good present that year, Jerry, remember?  Two years ago, Christmas Day?

JERRY

I didn’t get…I don’t think I…I don’t remember.

SANTA

Sure you do, Jerry.  Think hard.

JERRY

I tell you I didn’t get any presents that year…unless you consider starving to be a present.

SANTA

Times were bad then, weren’t they?

JERRY

You bet they were.  We had nothing.  Nothing but cold and hunger and pain.

SANTA

And to top it all off…

JERRY

Yeah, on top of everything else, my uncle comes in on Christmas Day, heading for prison.

SANTA

And since he would be gone for a while…

JERRY

He dumped his family with us.  Aunt Charlotte, her mother, and…

(Looks at LOU)

T J

And what?  And what, Jerry?

LOU

And me!  Me!  He brought me, didn’t he, Jerry?  I was the Christmas present.

T J

No way!  What kind of Christmas present is that anyway?  That’s not a real Christmas present.

SANTA

It’s the best kind of present.  Don’t you think so, Jerry?

JERRY

(Crosses to LOU, puts arms around)

Yes.  I do. It was so lonely with no brothers or sisters and all the troubles we were going through, I wrote Santa to send me a friend.  And I got Lou.

LOU

You got me!

T J

(Crosses to window, sits)

How corny can you get? What do you want, mister? We got things to do.  Stop playing around.

SANTA

Ah, T J.  I knew you would be the hardest one to convince.

T J

Sure you did.

SANTA

(Crosses to opposite side of window and stands)

So, I brought along some hard proof.

(Pulls letter from coat)

And just what did you ask old Santa to bring, T J?

T J

(Holds letter away as T J grabs)

What is that?  Where’d you get that?  Give it here!

SANTA

Then you do admit it’s yours.

CHRIS

T J?  You wrote Santa Claus a letter?

JERRY

What a moron!  Making fun of us!

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